“What it means to be a male”. Of course it would be important to address this issue from multiple levels, for instance the impact of race, age, culture, and sexuality to name a few!
It is important for boys and girls, and men and women in society to understand what boys and men are experiencing at various stages in their developmental stages. When boys begin to grow and mature they become emotionally confused and begin to react and respond to those in their environment, usually their family, siblings and others in their ecology. Boys are known to separate themselves from their mothers and fathers through encouraged independence and societal expectations. They then begin to challenge their parents and further seek to prove their ability to demonstrate their level of responsibility. At times some boys may choose not to make this huge leap from childhood to manhood too quickly. Boys should not be rushed into manhood but rather nurtured into adolescents and then slowly transitioned into “manhood”. The effects of being forced into manhood are detrimental to boys and to all members of society. Commonly this detrimental effect can play out as regressive behaviors (wetting, soiling), or may choose to act out (possibly show signs of aggression, school truancy, and angry outbursts). Boys are children, and no child should ever feel pressured to behave in a certain way and then be rejected as a male.
Boys begin to think about relationships, with their mother’s, fathers and potential partners. A boy can become confused about how relationships work. Today, more than ever before boys are confused about how they should behave. They are confused by the roles that are portrayed at home, and with those contemporary social values of today that attempt to break down gender roles, and to express what it is that they like. At times boys try to mirror the relationships that they have seen at home, whether this is a positive image or a negative image, they try to emulate it. Furthermore, boys are left to contend with issues of homosexuality and identity issues. Showing affection to their father’s and male siblings becomes complicated; a desire to show affection paired with the belief that it is important to conform to the “macho male” social norm. In either case, parents must support their sons in making choices based on what is best for their son. Parents must learn to set aside their personal beliefs regarding relationships and roles, and be very careful about the messages they convey while they are in their relationships. This is important as most children try to mimic relationships or behaviors that they have seen. As the parents convey their values, their young boy attempts to meet those parental expectations. At times when a young boy cannot fit into those expectations he may begin to struggle with inner turmoil. The young boy begins to struggle with fear and apprehension towards the parents, possibly feeling rejected and slowly becoming stressed. The repressed feelings can take on many forms, depression, self-contempt, suicidal thoughts etc.
Boys are sexually controlled by cultural values that expect them to behave in a certain manner. Often they are told that they must not hug, kiss, or show signs of affection, especially with other men, and often they become caught in a cycle of false manhood.
They begin to believe that a male should take charge, be strong and protective, and begin to believe that men must exert their male strength. Boys begin to act out. This type of behavior is a sign that a young boy is not yet a man, but rather acting on learned images (from home, observing peer relationships, or influenced by the media) of what it means to be a male.
In some cases men seek not to be involved at all with their children. Their entire purpose of fathering may seem to purposefully impregnate young women to ensure that they have ownership over (power over) the female. In other instances there are men who seek to be actively involved as fathers. This new trend of involved fathers has been greatly shaped by changes in the perception of roles, father’s are important to young children, social acceptance of fathers as caregivers is growing, and men are choosing to parent differently than their fathers. Regardless of the reasons, the men’s movement has inspired men from different cultures, generations, economic backgrounds, and different ideologies to take an active role in parenting. I think that since many men have or will experience loss and grief from having physically and emotionally absent fathers they intentionally make an extended effort to be active fathers. Today, more than ever before a “dead beat dad” is not okay by any standard. Due to this father’s can be emotional and nurturing towards their children, this is socially accepted and expected.
I think that men are further influenced to parent/father by their internal desire to mimic the nurturing role of their mothers. In addition it is the constant rationale that any role can and should be challenged, especially around gender. Through the support given by mothers, wives, and society in general we are encouraged and further validated to become active fathers through interactions with our children. Furthermore, men feel it is necessary to father and parent their children. But along the way we are being faced with biases and myths that challenge active fatherhood with the stereotype of the “macho father”. Children, wives, parents, grandparents and society often resist the socialization of teaching men to be fathers regardless of the benefits or negative social impacts. I suspect that this is true for men from all cultures. Though as a visible South Asian man I am forever fighting the male stereotype and the social construction of what it means to be a South Asian man living in Canada. I am constantly challenging those in my cultural group to explore why men must behave according to social and cultural pressures of manhood, where they are not allowed to feel or partake in parenting without retaliation to their “manhood”. My caring and nurturing is replaced by the notion of being a weaker man.
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